Reflections in my 39th year
This week I turned 39. Although 39 is not a milestone year, it obviously marks the last year of my 30s. Being an adult can feel weird sometimes. There is no graduation or certification as you progress to new ages and decades of adulthood. In childhood we’re constantly striving to meet the expectations of authority figures. Completing work someone else assigns us. Completing grade levels to progress to the next step of the journey. Eventually though we all get to some point in life where growth is all up to us. There is no certificate presented to us that acknowledges by age 30 we are a fully formed emotionally competent 30 year old. We are on our own.
As kids we can look back and think in this grade I learned that and in that grade I learned this. Life during 4th grade was drastically different from life in 8th grade. For me though when I look back it’s hard to pinpoint the difference between who I was at 33 versus who I was at 37. Growth becomes more of a blur. When each year has less definitive milestones the years themselves become somewhat of a blur. It becomes more common to be reminded of our age by the physical sensations in our body as opposed to the age of our minds and our growth with things like emotions. So then it becomes surprising when we reach a specific age but don’t feel that specific age. Reminders for me come when I bend the wrong way or realize I can’t sprint and race my kids without feeling it a bit the next day.
And eventually thoughts of judgment creep up. I’m almost 40 and I didn’t do this. I never finished that. I haven’t talked to this friend or family member in 5 years now and I thought we’d have reconciled by now. All of which are key ingredients to the oh so common thought. “This isn’t how life was supposed to be”. What I’ve learned though is that life isn’t supposed to be any certain way despite how strongly we feel it should be. And if we chase down the root of why we believe anything is supposed to be a way not only do we find it hyper flawed (insert kids dying of cancer anecdote here) but we also find its basis is rooted in someone else’s fiction. This fiction comes in the form of the false but nice sounding expressions.
- In the end everything works out.
- You deserve the best.
- Everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes it doesn’t work out. Sometimes you don’t deserve the best because you acted really selfishly and didn’t even realize it. Sometimes life is very random and there is no reason your loved one passed away suddenly, other than their own or someone else’s poor choices. Slowly and gradually those ideas of the future transition from goals and aspirations to unlikely fantasies. What I’ve come to learn and embrace is that all the fixed ideas and expectations I had of my future were working against me more than they were guiding me. Planning is great. Having an anchor with a compass is useful. I’ve realized though that there is a difference between having an idea of the possibilities and having an expectation that my desired possibility is a certainty or even very likely. The irony though is that all of us already know this. We just forget it.
Expectations seem well understood by adults when it comes to guiding children. My son loves Fortnite and he plays something called solo matches where it’s 100 players and one person wins. He gets really upset when he loses. It’s fascinating because he gets more upset when he loses being in the top 10 than if he loses in the first few minutes. Even his 9 year old brain is already conditioned to focus on the negative of being so close to his goal and not fully succeeding rather than focusing on the positive that he beat 90 other players already knocked out. I try to remind him that each time he plays there is a good possibility he will lose. And there is also a possibility he will win. Consider both. This isn’t new to most. Most of us I think have heard the expression “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game”.
But adults seem to forget that when attaching to an expectation of our days and our lives going as planned. Some could say that playing a game is much different than real life. But are we not in real life while playing games? Whether playing a game or trying to succeed at a job, relationship or hobby we all have a desired outcome and are aware that undesired outcomes are highly possible. But because we think we deserve the best life or everything works out in the end we don’t even consider what we already know, which is that quite often things don’t go as planned. So now at 39 I am not necessarily bummed out because I might not accomplish XYZ in the next year. Because I know those fixed ideas were never meant to be expectations. They were just one of many possibilities. What getting older has done for me however is being more intentional with how I spend my time.
When someone is diagnosed with a terminal illness, it’s very common that they look at life differently. If you were told you had 6 days to live, chances are you would alter your day to day in how you invest your time. People are less likely to get stuck on the trivial. Or partake in petty arguments. You might tell your loved ones how you feel about them. But what if you were given 6 months? Maybe you would live the same as you would with 6 days. But I think there is more chance of dwelling on why we are being robbed of life. Maybe some of the petty and trivial creeps in, just not as much as when we didn’t have that knowledge. What if you were told you had 6 years? It’s like the more life we are gifted the more time we have to find things to be upset about.
The irony is that all of us are already dying. Because as soon as we take our first breath, the clock starts ticking. But somehow we’re conditioned to behave like more time means more time for complacency rather than more time for actual living. This results in putting off things for another day. This awareness has generated a strong sense of urgency to spend my time where it’s most valuable. And so while I am not induced with anxiety about checking 10 things off a list before a specific age, I am driven with a stronger sense of the fragility and finite nature of life. And this motivates me to spend each day like it really is precious and unique.
