The most helpful thing I’ve learned studying personal development
I’ve been reading personal development stuff on and off since I was a teenager. I’ve spent a lot of time wading through helpful stuff and less helpful surface level advice (your attitude is a choice!) that can seem nearly impossible to apply during times of adversity where emotions seem to be driving my thoughts over logic. Overtime I’ve encountered common themes in the stuff I read and research. Something I’ve come to better understand the last couple of years is the concept of “acceptance”. There is no shortage of anecdotes and packaging of this idea. Corny rhyming phrases like “What you resist persists”, the serenity prayer used in Alcoholics Anonymous and some of the core principals of Zen Buddhism essentially convey this. But until recently those sayings were just a combination of words that I understood conceptually but didn’t really know how to apply and what the actual consequences were of not applying this.
The spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle says “all negativity is resistance”. I don’t know if I fully understand that yet but I do understand how resistance increases the duration of a negative event. All of us, whether aware or not have likely extended a negative event when we resist it. This resistance often comes in the form of
“Why?”
Example: Why does there have to be traffic today when I have an important meeting I need to be on time for?
As harmless as these types of questions seem on the surface, this line of questioning puts our minds into an inactive mode from a taking action perspective. What these questions really are is an inventory of everything we don’t like about a thing. It distracts from solution oriented thinking which is a precursor to action. More harmfully, it adds weight to the negative thing we are upset about. In other words, it works us up and gets us more upset. This strengthens the narrative of being a victim. The problem with victim mentality is that it implies a type of polarity where it is us versus something else. When you step outside of your home with a mindset that the world is working against you, this shows up in your demeanor whether you realize it or not. And more than likely it shows up as being resentful, bitter, impatient etc..
Another implication of getting ourselves worked up is that it may take longer to get back to a place of being calm and centered. It can be the difference of showing up to an event we are late for slightly annoyed, versus significantly angry. Consider how attentive you are when you are in a state of rage. You are probably tuning out those around you as you come down from the volatile negative emotional state. The extra time it takes means more time feeling bad. Do you want to show up a little annoyed or do you want to show up irritable and at risk of lashing out on someone that does not deserve it?
Acceptance vs Complacency
Acceptance does not mean inaction, but a clear view of the playing field to think of creative solutions. I love the Mike Tyson quote “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth”.
What that means to me is that our plans and goals are only as good as the flexibility built into them. It’s the anticipation of the unknown and ability to adapt as quickly as possible to maintain clear thinking. Using the analogy of a fighter, the fighter does not have the luxury of time to sit and ask why their plan did not work. They must react in real time and make adjustments for the sake of survival. The fighter has no choice but to accept the reality in the moment.
Fortunately my challenges are not centered around physical combat. But when it comes to less dramatic things in life, like communication in a relationship, co-parenting disagreements or navigating a difficult co-worker, I would find myself wasting time asking why this has to be so difficult. Rather than course correcting and adjusting, I would sometimes repeat the same approach that already failed me. This is because I was stubborn and not accepting the reality of a situation. If this does not resonate, consider the loved one that has consistently vented to you regarding a challenging relationship whether it be a friendship, romantic or familial. Sometimes we hear our loved one vent about the same challenge with a person over and over. And while doing our best to be supportive, often a natural thought is “this person has already shown you who they are, why would you expect something different?” And the answer to that question is that they have not yet accepted reality.
Theory and application are always different and each of us are on a different spectrum of emotional discipline. That said here is the simple line of thinking that has aided me.
- Is this something I have the ability to change right now?
Yes = Take action and change said thing.
No = Accept this is the reality.
- Avoid wondering why this is the reality.
- Brainstorm on solutions and alternative plans.
It does not come easily and takes practice to develop disciplined thinking. But over time it’s much more useful than working myself up with useless rhetorical questions that only serve to strengthen a false “poor me” narrative. The faster you can go from the “why me” to the “what now”, the shorter the time you’ll spend in a negative mind state.
