Thoughts on my first Fatherless Fathers Day
Today is the first father’s day since my dad died last July. I thought it would be a good time to reflect on how he has shaped my views on being a father. My dad taught me a lot of things not to do by watching how he lived his life. Witnessing a lot of his pain and frustrations which eventually led to him taking his own life. But he also taught me a lot of good things that helped shape me into the person I am today. Below are a few of the things I learned from him.
Being a protector and standing up for your kids
My first job was at a company called Mr Chips Computers in downtown Melbourne Florida when I was 15 years old. For $5.15 an hour I did whatever miscellaneous tasks were needed. Setup computers, clean the bathrooms, take out the trash, get lunch etc.. One day my boss asked me to throw away a bunch of old computer parts. I put them into a dumpster behind the building. A guy that worked next door saw me and told me I was using his dumpster and that “I had better climb in and get that shit out of there.” At the time, my dad worked in the same building (he got me that first job, knowing the computer store owner). Frustrated, I told my dad what happened. He asked me where the guy was and then told me to follow him. Despite having back problems and walking with a cane, he approached the guy (who at that moment was standing with two other large guys) and asked him what happened. He then told him if he had a problem he should take it up with my boss and that he could never talk to me that way again. Using some colorful language he told him apologize to me. The guy begrudgingly apologized and shook my hand telling me not to worry about the dumpster.
What that taught me as a father: It’s important to make sure my kids know when they are being disrespected, that they should come to me and that I need to immediately intervene when it happens.
Being a problem solver
Fast forward 5 years as a 20 year old I had just moved out to live with my friends. One day I was at home washing dishes and a glass shattered and cut up my hand. The blood wouldn’t stop running and in a panic I called my dad. He told me to apply pressure to it with a hand towel and come over. Once I got there he took some items out of his tackle box and calmly, without hesitation made me a makeshift bandage. He told me I probably didn’t need stitches and just needed to keep it wrapped. He was right.
What that taught me as a father: I want to always make sure I am there for my kids when they are in a panic and don’t know what to do. For them to know they are never alone and they have me as someone to lean on.
Being an emotional mentor
My dad spent a big part of his early adulthood thinking he had to be some mythical tough guy that never cried or expressed his feelings. As he got older he realized this idea was wrong and tried hard to raise me to avoid the same mistake. Growing up he always told me I shouldn’t be ashamed to cry or to express my emotions. He explained to me that the tough guy facade he used to put on was because he was scared inside and over compensated so no one would find out. In addition to that he always told me that he loved me and I never wondered or not if I was loved as a kid and as his son.
What that taught me as a father: Having a son I know it’s important to make sure he knows it’s OK for boys to cry and that being sensitive isn’t a defect. These days it’s really popular (and rightly so) to point out and challenge negative female stereotypes like “you throw like a girl” but less so for boys with expressions like “man up” if they seem too sensitive. My dad taught me to tell my kids I love them every day that I see them. I’ll always make sure they know it’s OK to express how they feel whether bad or good.
The bulk of my 20's I focused so much effort on building out a career and learning to become an adult. I stopped leaning on my dad for support, thinking I had life figured out. But ironically the older I get the more I appreciate him and the more I need him. Through his actions he taught me how to parent. To strive to be a protector, a problem solver and always make sure my kids know I love them.
Having any regrets these days seems discouraged and frowned upon. So much that the slogan “no regrets” has been embroidered on t-shirts and other merchandise. But to me that seems arrogant. To never regret can lead to never reflect. And as I reflect on the last few years, I regret not making a better effort in telling my dad how much he contributed to the man and father I have become. I really wish he were here today for me to tell him that.
