Today Is Yesterday’s Future, Stop Waiting

A myth or misconception about life I used to fall into was that I was constantly waiting for something. It started as a kid. I was waiting to be older to do things I saw older kids doing that I thought was cool. Waiting to move on to the next grade in school. I looked at adult life as some sort of plateau to reach where things would be better. As a kid it was more about trivial simple things. Adults get to eat ice cream whenever they want? Adults don’t have a bedtime? I can’t wait to be an adult. As I got older into my teen years I was waiting to graduate so I could make more money and reach all these aspirational goals I had. I felt the need to prove myself and differentiate myself from the family chaos I grew up around.

Then I entered the workforce after High School. I was waiting to get promoted. I was waiting to reach some magical status of non-existent omnipotence that I thought others around me had. Omnipotence is an exaggeration but I was under the false impression that those around me had things figured out more than I did. They must, because they are older and appear to be more successful. I was waiting to reach their status. Most recently in those quiet moments where my mind drifts, I find myself waiting for the pandemic to be over. I impulsively wait to be able to live my life like I did before.

A couple years ago I started reading about mindfulness. You could ask 5 different people what practicing mindfulness means and you’d get 5 different answers. One answer may focus on meditation. Another answer may involve certain breathing techniques. Some may view practicing gratitude as mindfulness. But I think most if not all, would include the idea of being “present”. I read a quote a few years ago attributed to an ancient Chinese philosopher named Lao Tzu, that has stuck with me since.

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” -Lao Tzu

I’m 36 now and creeping towards middle age. The older I get the more I understand how precious and valuable time is. When you’re a teenager or a young adult, five years seems like forever because 5 years is a big portion of a child’s life. But now I look back at 2015 and it feels so recent. I see Facebook memories of my daughter and feel so cliche, but I wonder where the time went. The average age of death in the US for males is 78. And 42 years may sound like a long time to some. But for me that’s only 42 more birthdays my kids will have that I’ll be able to celebrate. It’s 42 more times to experience each season. Numbers and time are relative. But if someone told you that you could only hug someone you loved 42 more times, that number would seem insufficient and small. Yet many are so quick to let a season or milestone pass just to get onto the next thing. And when they reach that “next thing” there is a good chance their mind will be focused on the thing after that.

My goal has been to be present as much as I can. I’m not waiting for something more exciting to come along. Because I know today was yesterday’s future that “I couldn’t wait for”. It’s here. And I hope to make the most of it now versus day dreaming about tomorrow’s future, waiting for precious time to pass so I can reach some non-existent pinnacle.

The thing I’m still trying to figure out is understanding how being present and not over-analyzing my future possibilities may breed complacency and stifle my ambition. I still see the value in imagining the possibilities of the future and setting goals to get there. But I have to figure out how to prevent those things from stopping me from being present in the now. I’ve learned it’s okay to “visit” the future, but it’s not okay to “live” in the idea of the future. My Dad used to tell me he was living life “One day at a time” but it resulted in neglecting planning for his future and I can’t fall into that. Maybe I’ll eventually figure out how to find that balance. Or maybe I won’t. But what I won’t do is dwell or wonder when I’ll reach that epiphany. It will come to me when it does and I embrace being uncertain, instead of becoming anxious about it.

Nothing is certain. Nothing is guaranteed. And each day I become a little bit more comfortable with that by focusing on today versus the idea of tomorrow.

The following is a quote from a song by an artist named Tonedeff that I thought of while writing this. It seemed like a good way to close out this blog.

“Cause when you grow it hurts to stay inside your shell

I’ll probably rewrite this song in 20 years, and dedicate it to myself

I guess the jist of it is, that when you’re big, you’ll just miss how you lived

And when you’re a kid, you’ll just wish you were big”

-Tonedeff from the song Children.