Thoughts On My First Motherless Mothers Day
It doesn’t feel that long ago that I wrote a blog titled Thoughts On My First Fatherless Fathers Day. I certainly didn’t expect to be writing this one so soon. Like my dad, I often find that I learned so much from my mom not just from her words but from her actions and the love she showed me. When I was younger, the love she expressed seemed typical because I knew nothing else. Sometimes what appears typical or ordinary is actually extraordinary but because we know nothing else we have no comparison. It’s not until I experience something different or hear someone else’s experience that I come to realize how rare and precious a thing is that I have or had. Today on Mothers Day I am reflecting on some of the things I learned from her.
Unconditional Love
The most valuable thing that she showed me that remains with me today is unconditional love. As a child she told me she loved me every single day. There was never an argument or mood that impacted my understanding that she loved and cared for me deeply. This love always made her approachable. Throughout my life I’ve always expressed love for my family and friends without condition. Throughout my life I’ve had a couple of friends and family members stop talking to me due to of some type of disagreement because I was less thoughtful with my words. These things always confused me because in my mind we had a love and a bond that was stronger than the thing that we disagreed on. But what I realize is that my idea of love or friendship just differs from theirs and that’s okay, but it did help me come to realize the love my mom showed was something very rare. This is something I’ve carried on with my own kids in the way I parent and communicate to them.
Compassion
I also learned compassion for others from my Mom. I remember one Florida summer day in the 90s driving down Wickham Rd in Melbourne sitting in the backseat of her old Chevette when she spotted a guy standing on the side of the road with a picket sign protesting something. I don’t remember what he was protesting. But he was standing alone in the hot sun and my mom felt bad for him. She found the nearest vending machine, bought a Coke and drove back to give it to him.
After she passed, my sisters and I went through her things and I found a few journals with writings. One entry was about her frustration about what happened to George Floyd. What struck me about it was not how she felt but that she felt enough to reflect on it and write about it in a medium that was just personal. Not for social media feedback, not to share an idea, it was merely her personal expression of emotional pain for a stranger. I never knew how she felt about it because we never talked about George Floyd. We rarely talked about current events. My Mom was not the type to go on loud rants or dramatic vent sessions. She was more the type to go within and reflect. It’s not that sharing with others or speaking loudly taints a thing. But to me there is something pure about reading an expression of emotions that were never intended to be shared. This gives me even more respect for her compassion.
My mom passed in October of 2021 and for whatever reason I did not get the autopsy results until December. I learned that her passing was due to accidental overdose of alprazolam and fentanyl. This hurt me greatly because my brother also died of an overdose which put my mind into being judgmental. Like, how could you repeat the same mistake Tanner made after you experienced the pain we felt losing him? How could you prioritize a substance over your son? The emotional cocktail of sadness and anger really impacted my mental health.
But today as I type these words I choose to apply and practice the unconditional love and compassion that she showed me through her words and actions. And I choose to view her as a victim that was suffering in pain and that made a mistake rather than someone that made a selfish decision and left me, my sisters and her grandchildren behind. Judgment and resentment have no place in my heart these days and serve no purpose. I’ve learned that these things actually worsen my outlook on life. I love you Mom, thank you for always loving me. Thank you for showing me what compassion is and thank you for all of the lessons you taught me even when I was too stubborn to notice them at the time. Happy Mothers Day.
